In the interests of avoiding further confusion
In the interests of avoiding further confusion, there is a further issue I would like to point out; namely, that a couple of hours ago, my boyfriend and I decided to split up. Whilst it is perhaps better to avoid washing one’s dirty linen in public, I mention this for a couple of reasons. Firstly, because it means he will no longer be doing anything to my website. Not being terribly technically minded, it may be that I will at some point accidentally delete my website, or at least unintentionally turn it bright green or something, now that I will be taking responsibility for it myself, and so this is your advanced warning not to be surprised 
The other reason for mentioning it is just that it would seem a bit rude not to, seeing as it is a relationship which has been an important part of my life for the past year or so.
If you are wondering why we split up, it is none of your business This is going to sound a bit lame, but I think it was a mutual decision. My behaviour over the past week had potentially irritated my boyfriend quite considerably, as well as possibly used up the final chance I was on, and it occurred to me when I woke up this morning that it might only be a matter of time before he split up with me. I wasn’t necessarily aware that that would happen today, but I felt the past week was something which would probably come back to bite me at a later date. We ended up having a not entirely amicable conversation on Messenger earlier, during the course of which I uttered a phrase similar to “Let’s call it quits”. Part of this was perhaps preemptive, since I guessed that he wasn’t far away from having such thoughts himself. It wasn’t, however, a rash utterance which was made on the spur on the moment with no prior thought. I also had reasons for being unhappy in the relationship and thinking the dissolution of it might be the best way forward.
That’s not to say, of course, that it isn’t a decision I will regret. I know myself well enough to know that I will definitely come to bitterly regret it within the next 24 hours, and I would place money on me crying myself to sleep for the next couple of nights. That is not, however, because I think it is the wrong decision to have taken, but because ending a close relationship is always an emotional wrench and it takes a bit of time to get your life in order again afterwards. This is a guy who I love more than any other I have come across; more, indeed, than I thought it was possible to love someone. He was the only person I have been comfortable enough to have sex with, perhaps the only person I will ever be comfortable enough to have sex with, and the only person I have actively wanted to settle down with. I mean, this was a guy I wanted to have bookshelves with, and it doesn’t get much more serious than that Clearly, this break up isn’t something I am going to get over at the click of the fingers, and I apologise in advance if I sound unacceptably depressive over the coming weeks.
Logically, however, I think that the best decision has been taken. The reason is a little complex, but I feel the need to explain it here lest I should forget what it is at any point and contemplate attempting to go back on my word…
I am depressed. Actually properly depressed, I think, not just in a bad mood. This is something which has been building for a long time, and something which I think I need to see a doctor about. I had already reached that decision on Wednesday, after discussion with one of my friends.
My boyfriend, to be fair to him, did his best to be supportive over the past week once he was aware of how miserable I was. He hadn’t been aware earlier, because I had chosen not to tell him. Partly because I was trying to convince myself I was completely fine, and partly because I didn’t what this which has ultimately happened to happen. In any case, he offered to come and visit me on the course I was on, and he offered to come and give me a lift today to take me to the party I was supposed to be attending. I was very grateful for both these offers.
The relationship, however, was putting extra pressure on me to pretend to be more okay that I was. This is difficult to explain without making it sound like something was the fault of my boyfriend, which it wasn’t. I don’t know… There was an incident in January, after which he would have been perfectly justified in splitting up with me, and nevertheless chose not to. That was a decision which I never succeeded in entirely understanding, one which nevertheless was very opportune for me. The result, however, was that as a result of my transgressions I was most definitely on my last chance. I was supposed to be on my best behaviour, a model girlfriend, otherwise I was out, and rightly so.
Last night I unfortunately used up that chance, by creating what my boyfriend would perceive as “a drama”. The rule was no more dramas, therefore the consequences were clear. Had it been more a relationship of equals, as opposed to one where I was constantly trying to be good and not annoy the other person, I might have been able to expect a bit of leniency, but in the circumstances that would have been an unfair ask.
I have a track record of being good at creating “dramas” when it so suits me. The fact that this is not of my dramas is somewhat irrelevant, because it can’t be proven. It would be quite in character for a regrettable part of me to create an attention seeking scene, especially on the eve of a social event which I felt ill equipped to deal with. So in character, in fact, that I can’t be bothered to argue against it. I could make the point that if I wanted to create a drama I am sufficiently skilled at it to create a more exciting one that this, which is ultimately much ado about nothing; I am simply depressed, and if I were pretending to be depressed I would probably have invented an exciting reason for it My now ex-boyfriend, however, is doubtless sufficiently skilled to turn that argument on its head with reverse psychology and decide that I deliberately created a drama which would appear in that manner so as to make it seem more genuine, or something… I don’t know, reverse psychology hurts my head.
In any case, his attitude to the situation was aptly summed up with the words “convenient timing”. What more is there to say?
I can’t justify my past actions, and I can’t justify my present actions either. Even if I could, I don’t have the energy and I don’t feel motivated to do so. What is the point of being in a relationship where one person is unable to trust the other? Regardless of the excellent reasons that person has to justify their lack of trust, it still makes the relationship inherently rather pointless.
Furthermore, on a personal level I can’t be in a relationship where I am not “allowed” to be down. I have spent the past few months trying very hard to be fine so that I didn’t run into these sorts of issues. But ultimately I know myself pretty well, and I know that every so often I will have days like yesterday when I fail to cope and am utterly unbearable to be around. It’s just how I am. To say to me, “no more dramas or I dump you” is as constructive as to say to my boyfriend, “no more temper tantrums or I dump you”. He has a temper, I am inadequate - those are deficiencies both of us are aware of and can try to improve up to a point, but in the end they are character traits which will probably be with us until the day we die.
Sometimes I need a day like yesterday in order to cope, and I quite honestly don’t care what sort of judgement other people pass on me because of that. If once every twelve months there are twelve hours when I behave in such a manner, to be that isn’t a big deal. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I feel I am desperately trying and failing to live up to someone else’s expectations of how I should be, and where there are penalties when I don’t succeed. I can’t, unfortunately, succeed the whole time 
I do *not* need someone to emotionally support me and be my reason for living, but I *do* need a relationship where there is room for me to be depressed. I need to be able to lash out sometimes without having to feel I need to apologise for the fact that I am unhappy. I am good at apologising, but yesterday is not something I can apologise for. Yesterday just *was*.
Get out the violins Nah, I’m aware I’m not deserving of sympathy etc etc and I’m actually okay. My Facebook status says at the moment that there is a big weight off my mind, and there really is. For the past five months I have felt like a catalogue product which was on trial, and the advantage of having blown it is that I no longer have to worry about blowing it 
Plus it is only fair to say that my boyfriend did a sterling job in putting up with me for so long without having a nervous breakdown himself. If he can’t take any more of me, that really is fair enough!
I wish Tim all the best in life, and hope that he will quickly find someone else who is better suited to him than me and with whom he will be able to settle down. As for me, I’m certainly not in a rush to jump into any more relationships. Predominantly because I don’t find guys physically attractive, this one having been rather an exceptional exception. For now I am going to concentrate on getting my head straight and see how things go at work. If I can manage to hold this job down for another year or so to repair the holes in my finances, that would be pretty cool. Then after a certain amount of time, assuming I am still single, I think I will move abroad, because that is ultimately all I have wanted to do for the past six years. A new start is appealing, however I am aware that it is not something to be rushed into. I am going to try my best to be sensible